I often wonder how different I would be as well as how different my life would be had I never gotten married and divorced. My former yoga teacher turned former lover told me that it was just a part of my karma in this lifetime. It was one of the most difficult and challenging times in my life. So when he said that, I found comfort in it. I interpreted it as if it was already written in the stars for me and it was an experience and lesson I needed to go through in this life.
Although my first husband and I got married with the best of intentions (at least that’s what I believe) it was (obviously) not necessarily the right thing to do. For me (at the time), it was more of “the next step”. And for my hubby, I believe that my “next step” coupled with my dad’s pressure to marry his little girl was enough for him to take action. But I know that behind that action was his love for me and to make me happy. I also loved him very much and often said to him that if anything were to ever happen to him or if he past away, I’d join a convent or monastery. I really meant it and I truly believed that he was the only love I’d ever want to experience in this life.
There were many good things in our relationship but they could not override the not so-good-things. And the not-so-good things were important things (at least to me). I believe this is all coming up for me right now to reflect upon because I just finished reading Intimacy–Trusting Oneself and the Other by Osho. At one point in the book, he says that if you can say something to someone without the fear of offending them, that is one aspect of intimacy. To go beyond that, he says that it is difficult to trust one another. We must let go of our egos and show ourselves as we truly are. But if we can’t be honest with ourselves, how can we be honest with anyone else? If we can’t trust ourselves to be honest with our self, how can we trust someone else? If we do not love our self, how can we truly love another?
[excerpt from Intimacy by Osho]
A man who trusts himself comes to know the beauty of it–comes to know that the more you trust yourself, the more you bloom; the more you are in a state of let-go and relaxation, the more you are settled and serene, the more you are calm, cool, and quiet. And it is so beautiful that you start trusting more and more people because the more you trust, the more your calmness deepens; your coolness goes deeper and deeper to the very core of your being. And the more you trust, the more you soar high. A man who can trust will sooner or later know the logic of trust. And then one day he is bound to try to trust the unknown.
Start trusting yourself–that is the fundamental lesson, the first lesson. Start loving yourself. If you don’t love yourself, who else is going to love you? But remember, if you only love yourself, your love will be very poor.
A great Jewish mystic, Hillel, has said, “If you are not for yourself, who is going to be for you?” And also, “If you are only for yourself, then what meaning can your life ever have?”–a tremendously significant statement. Remember it: Love yourself because if you don’t love yourself, nobody else will ever be able to love you.
You cannot love a person who hates himself. And on this unfortunate earth, almost everybody hates himself, everybody condemns himself. How can you love a person who is condemnatory toward himself? He will not believe you. He cannot love himself–how can you dare? He cannot love himself–how can you love him? He will suspect some game, some trick, some trip. He will suspect that you are trying to deceive him in the name of love. He will be very cautious, alert, and his suspicion will poison your being. If you love a person who hates himself, you are trying to destroy his concept about himself. And nobody easily drops his concept about himself; that is his identity. He will fight with you, he will prove to you that he is right and you are wrong.