Certainly the emotional breakdown I had over my bowl of mung beans was because of the tortuous Type-A personality that this cleanse brought out in me. But beyond that, the cleanse has stirred up some issues I have around my body image, eating, and food. Ohhhh where do I start, and will the lengthy discussion (or shall I say rant) deserve your attention span here? I’ll keep this as concise as I can.
The purpose of me going on this cleanse was to see if I could clear up the frustrating acne that has suddenly and stubbornly appeared on my face and made its home there for the last 10 months. While I was getting acupuncture treatments for this tyrant that’s invaded my face, I thought it’d be a good time to also delve into my diet; seeing if I eliminated alcohol, salt, spices, dairy, caffeine, and a host of other goodies, if it’d clear up. My intention was to clean up my insides and not to lose weight.
(Flash back t0 28 years ago when I was 5 years old). My nickname amongst my family was ‘Fay Moi’, which translates into “Little Fatty”. Do you see where this is going? I had this concept that I was fat kid while growing up but when I look back at photos, I look “normal”–neither skinny nor fat. I was a good healthy size. As I hit my teenage years and my self-consciousness caught up with the “little fatty” in me, I tried a host of creative ways to not be ‘little fatty’: diet pills, not eating, throwing up, extreme exercise, even speed for 1-week.
Looking back, it’s not about the weight or the food, but it’s really how I feel about ME. Being on this cleanse brought back feelings of “feeling fat” and I caught myself wanting to lose lbs. But as a friend suggested, instead of hating the “Little Fatty” in me, I need to embrace her–she’s a cute, happy-go-lucky kid! I can now change the meaning I have attached to Fay Moi and love her for who she is.