[Spiritual SoundBite] I Changed My Name…

I was clearing out some boxes this past weekend and found vintage sweaters made by my grandparents’ clothing manufacturing company back in the 60s & 70s. My grandmother had brought some over when she made her big move from Hong Kong to Los Angeles in ’97. Pulling out these sweaters and trying them on made me reminisce about her and my eyes started to well up as feelings of wishing she was still here came over me.

In the past, I would’ve wiped the tears away and continued on with my agenda, but instead, I stopped what I was doing and allowed myself to feel the sadness and grief that still lingers since her recent passing. Grief to me, feels the heaviest out of the spectrum of unpleasant feelings and I have felt it most when I’m grieving the loss of a loved one or the death of a relationship. When my first husband and I were separating, I allowed myself the emotional freedom to feel and do what I needed. I instinctively knew that it wouldn’t be good for me to stuff it down and “keep myself busy”. So I cried and cried for 7 days straight. I amazed myself with the abundance of tears that kept flowing out of me…necessarily. I couldn’t pretend any longer that “things were okay” and I didn’t want to. I could no longer hide or deny what was going on…crashing head on with the truth and having it shatter the facade of my happy marriage was at best surreal, traumatic, and yet freeing. My life as Mrs. Samuel (yes, I did change my last name!) was gone.

 

The death of my old life began my new one. One that’s more authentic. From that experience, I’ve learned that one way of living more authentically is being able to acknowledge how and what I’m feeling in the moment and trying my best to express and articulate what that is. It can be liberating at times and scary at others. It takes courage. Who wants to fall apart and risk looking weak or vulnerable? We pride ourselves on “keeping it together”. But it’s when we can allow ourselves to fall apart that we can build ourselves back up again…the way we need to. I don’t wish “falling apart” on anyone, but I know at some point it will be and it is necessary. So if and when the time comes, I hope you’ll give yourself permission and do it…and hopefully it won’t involve changing your name. (…but if it does, I promise you’ll be okay!)

Cheers to a Healthy. Happy. Sexy. You.

[Spiritual SoundBite] Dance Like No One’s Watching

Freedom…liberation…This is what I wish for everyone. Not just social, religious, economic, and political freedom but also liberation from mental, physical, and emotional pain. Part of my motivation in becoming a yoga and massage therapist is to help guide others in releasing unpleasant sensations and feelings in their body. When pain in the body is freed up it also liberates the mind. When your mind is no longer distracted by pain, it can focus on more pleasant thoughts.

Often times, we expend energy we’re not even aware of. For example, when students find a yoga pose challenging, I notice their jaws clenching, eyebrows furrowing, and breathing has ceased. That is precious energy being used and wasted. So what unnecessary energy are you exerting? Sometimes it’s difficult to identify which areas of your life are taking up excess energy when you can’t “see” or “feel” it. These are things in our lives we’re avoiding or resisting with our own justifiable reasons and that have undoubtedly take up more mental space than we realize.

One invisible “energy zapper” I’m beginning to let go of, and one I think most people can identify with, is letting go of what others think of me. I may have mentioned before that dancing has aided this new found freedom mainly because having others watch me dance has had to force me to “not care” and get out of my head and into the moment. As a result, I’m less self conscious and am freer to express myself. It has helped me to be more transparent about who I am without worrying too much about the judgment of others. And most beautifully, this is allowing me to BE in the inspiration of each moment.

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching.

Love like you’ll never be hurt,

Sing like there’s nobody listening,

And live like it’s heaven on earth.”

-William W. Purkey

my well meaning wedding dress (continued)…and PLEASE for god’s sake, just wear the damn thing post-wedding!

I just realized that I didn’t post the link to the photos that Robert took of me in  my wedding dress from the Spiritual SoundBite I wrote a few weeks back. This spontaneous photo shoot in my wedding dress I wore 6 years ago (whoa, that sounded crazy!) inspired me to write this: http://yogagals.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/spiritual-soundbite-my-well-meaning-wedding-dressphotos-and-interview/

I remember slipping on my dress and remembering why I loved it so much. It fits me like a glove, it’s simple yet elegant, and I absolutely love how the shear train gives it its lightness–it would be the dress’s wings if it could take flight! It was fun stepping out onto the street wearing this gown and not caring if it got dirty…it was time to have fun with this dress again!

Below are a few of the best shots Robert took. It was about 5 in the afternoon and the colors of the sunset as well as the headlights from LA traffic hour gave us great lighting.  I like my elegant white gown juxtaposed with the dirtiness of the chain linked fence and the hustle and bustle of city life.

What do these photos symbolize or mean? I’m not sure. Here’s 1 thought though!…

Wear your wedding dress just because you like it! How much money and time did you spend finding that thing? You deserve to enjoy it at the grocery store, the dog park, your birthday party, cleaning your house…any where and any damn time you feel like wearing it.

[Spiritual SoundBite] Feeling Like A Woman…and haircut photos!

It was my birthday this past Sunday and I’m officially in the midst of my 30s. Perhaps it’s growing up as the youngest child in the family and always seen as the ‘young’ one but for some reason this birthday seemed to mark the beginning of feeling like an adult woman. It seemed to start with my haircut on Friday. I found some photos of hair styles I liked and brought them to my stylist’s home. I told her I was ready for something different; that I was ready to move on from my hippy dippy long hair. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted but I told her how I wanted to feel. I told her that I wanted a haircut that represents what I’m going through in my life right now: “I don’t care what others think,” “There’s no right or wrong,” “It doesn’t have to be just one way,” and “Something light and that won’t get in the way when I yoga and dance!”

She sat me down in the middle of her dining room in a yellow vinyl chrome chair you’d find in an old 50s diner. It was the first time since I’ve known her that I decided to make this appointment at her house. The usual salon mirror that’s facing me isn’t there. I missed seeing her reflection when we were talking and then realized how different this haircut felt because I could not see what she was doing. I thought about the last time I sat this way for a haircut and it brought me back to the days when my mom gave me my bowl cuts as a kid in the garage. The main topic of conversation like any other time is our love life. I couldn’t see what was going on but I could tell she was really enjoying giving me this haircut–I could feel the dexterity of her skillful hands combing my hair sections at a time and snipping away. I got so enthralled with our conversation that it wasn’t until I noticed the long pieces of hair sliding down the black cape that draped over me, did I realize how much of my hair was being cut off. It was probably a good thing I didn’t get to see what she was doing because the part of me that was attached to my long locks would have protested. All I could go by was how it felt…and it felt good. I was giddy with excitement when she told me she was done and to see for myself. On the way to her bathroom mirror, I already felt lighter. And when I finally got to see myself for the first time, I couldn’t believe the image that was staring back at me. It felt like my outside finally caught up with my inside. I looked and felt light…and free. The dead weight was gone. Weight I didn’t even know was weighing me down.

“Is this a ‘break-up’ haircut?” I was asked. “No, quite the opposite,” I happily answered. “I’m calling it my ‘new beginnings’ haircut!” I’m not exactly sure what it is the beginning of, but let’s just say I’m ready.

 

p.s wanna see my birthday haircut? click  here

 

Cheers to a Healthy. Happy. Sexy. You.

[Spiritual SoundBite] Dream…Dare You?

I enjoy doing things that scare me. I don’t enjoy the “scary” aspect of it but I do enjoy tackling the part of it that feels scary. I’m not talking about bungee jumping or free falling out of a plane…although those adventures would certainly help tackle my fear of heights. I suppose when I say scary, it’s something that challenges and stretches me beyond my comfort zone.

 

I think it always starts out as a desire: whether it’s a desire to paint, play music, dance, or travel to a foreign place. There’s something inside of me that wants to do it but I resist it due to my own self-judgments and criticisms or for the fear of making a fool of myself and chancing ridicule from others. Recently a teacher of mine said, “Fear comes in the form of better judgment.” How many times have you talked yourself out of trying something or have let others convince you it was not a good idea? Have you noticed that others don’t seem to have a problem unloading their own fears onto you? They may not intend to discourage you, but the sight of you going for your dreams reminds them of their lack of courage to go for their own. They may truly worry about you getting hurt and advise you of reasons not to do it, but this just causes more harm because it makes you second guess your dreams when they’re the one who’s not ready to tackle their own yet. So keep your dreams to yourself. Share it with those whom you trust and who believe in you and can truly encourage you.

 

“Do or do not…there is no try.”

-Yoda

 

 

Cheers to a Healthy. Happy. Sexy. You.

[Spiritual SoundBite] It’s Uncomfortable–Don’t Worry, It Won’t Last Long

I hate driving. It’s not even the traffic in Los Angeles that makes me not like it. I would rather just be driven than do the actual driving. I was apprehensive about driving to Santa Barbara by myself this past weekend to celebrate a friend’s birthday. I avoid “long distance” driving…especially alone. The only time I’ve done any sort of road trip is driving down to San Diego to visit my sister and niece and nephews. But I was actually up for this “challenge” (as I called it). I thought it was about time I took a “grown-up” drive somewhere…alone.

With a tank full of gas, and my music to accompany me, I was ready to do this. I passed the familiar beaches and towns along the way that I’ve visited or camped at in the past. Doing the drive gave me courage to think that I may actually be able to go on a solo camping trip with my dog Duke. It’s been on my mind but because I’ve never camped alone nor done a solo road trip. Worry and fear always accompanied this nice thought. My first husband was always the one who found the campsites, set up the tent, and packed up the car. And this is another one of those things I feel like I must do for myself. Because there’s fear, I must do it. I’m not really sure what it is, but I make myself do the very things I fear. The fearless part of me wants to say to myself, “See?! I knew you could do it.” I suppose it’s a step towards believing I can conquer the unconquerable. And if it does turn out to be unconquerable, well…it doesn’t matter. Taking the risk in the first place and being able to say, “I tried” is all that really matters. Living without regrets is a big thing for me.

I think we’re constantly faced with challenges in life that cause fear–some small, some big…causing anxiety, worry, and restlessness. No one wants to feel discomfort. It’s uncomfortable. No matter how uncomfortable it may be in the moment, we must remember it is only temporary. We need to face it by acknowledging its presence, deal with it the best we can, and move through it.

True life is lived when tiny changes occur. -Leo Tolstoy

Cheers to a Healthy. Happy. Sexy. You.

Good Intentions: Elizabethan Execution Style

I got a taste of what it was like to be living alone again the other day. I came home and went to the bathroom to wash my hands when through my translucent shower curtain I saw the biggest cockroach in my tub. I wanted to scream…to shriek in horror…but who would hear me?…besides Duke. But a dog isn’t going to help me capture this god-awful creature.

I have a jar I keep around for capturing anything that shouldn’t be inside my bungalow…mainly spiders and the occasional long-bodied creature with many legs that give me the heebie jeebies.

Although I’m a carnivore now, I’m still respectful of all life form. I can’t even bring myself to kill the annoying fly that keeps buzzing around the house. So this jar is to serve in capturing and releasing these crawling creatures.

After seeing the cockroach, I quickly grab my jar. With my heart racing and fear embracing me, I pull the shower curtain back and attempt to trap it inside the jar. It’s fast and starts scurrying away. I make several attempts in this bathtub battle and before I know it, it’s all over. With its 2 long antennas plus the length of its body, this cockroach is so big that I realize it’s not going to pass the 4-inch diameter mouth of the jar. It’s too late…I accidentally killed it.

Cause of death: Beheading.

Yes, the edge of my jar clipped it’s head and for a few seconds, head and body now detached were still moving…probably confused…and then all was still.

Gross…and sad. My good intentions in saving this awful creature actually resulted in decapitating it. Oopsie.

[Spiritual SoundBite] That Invisible Dance You Do

Lately, my body has been yearning to move differently and so I’ve been taking different dance classes. It’s also helped me to creatively express myself in a different way too. It’s been about a month since I’ve started these classes and aside from chassés and relevés I wasn’t expecting to learn some life lessons such as:

#1 Learning anything new just feels foreign. Not only to the brain but also to the body…especially something like dance. It’s almost like learning a new language. Of course there’s terminology but it’s also the brain recognizing what needs to be done but the body not cooperating that makes it a bit awkward. It’s a new language for the body to move and express itself differently.

#2 Dancing is a way to express yourself without saying a word. It comes from inside and extends out of you. Just like any other art form like music or painting, there’s a message, an emotion that is trying to be conveyed and expressed…a kind of communication that is probably more intimate and vulnerable than words could ever express.

#3 I’m not only dancing in these classes but I’m dancing throughout my day with students, friends, and strangers. I call it the invisible dance. There’s a give and take of this energetic dance we do. For example, when I’m teaching a yoga class, I take cues from my students with what’s needed in the moment and where I’ll lead them next. I give them a pose, they go into it and show me what they need and give me feedback. I take it in, and I give the next needed action. It’s a constant swirling of giving and taking…a playful invisible dance we’re doing in the room.

#4 Dancing has shown me not to take myself so seriously. Having no dance background, I was petrified to go to these classes, but knew I had to overcome this fear by continuing to go. I found myself judging and criticizing myself for being clumsy and feeling stupid when I couldn’t follow steps. But I learned that I needed to let that go. No one is judging me but me AND I’m there for myself and no one else. Do I still get self-conscious? Sure but I just have to let that go and keep moving!

#5 I am more open and accepting of myself and my body since I’ve started dancing. And because of this, I can be more fully present with what I’m feeling and thinking. I see it coming through my teaching…being more expressive with my words and also encouraging students to explore what’s going on within their own practice.

Notice how you’re “dancing” with those around you: coworkers, your partner or spouse, strangers, and friends. What’s being expressed through you? Is there a lighthearted playfulness or is it more reserved and cautious? One is not better than the other but you get to choose the kind of invisible dance you’d like to be having with others.

Cheers to a Healthy. Happy. Sexy. You.

Motorbiking in Bali

Wordless Expression

I’ve got it and I’ve got it bad. Dancing has been the closest thing if not THE thing to get this “itch” inside of me OUT. The best way for me to describe this itch is a yearning and longing to burst into expression. I can’t recall a time in my life when I’ve needed to express myself creatively so badly. As a kid, playing the passionate pieces of Beethoven and Chopin on the piano was my way of expressing myself. These days, it’s through movement. This longing to move in a different way (other than yoga) has taken center stage.

Dancing is an expression of someone that originates from the inside out. Just like playing a musical instrument, it’s learning how to use the body to convey a message and to express thoughts & emotions…using the body as an instrument.

I find that the most powerful way to connect and communicate (besides kind words) are those moments in life when there are no words to express what is felt. It’s an experience that can only be described if feelings could speak for us. That which can be felt and known without words is most powerful and touching.