[Spiritual SoundBite] My Well Meaning Wedding Dress…photos and interview

As I had shared last week, my friend Robert interviewed me to be a part of his music series project. Part of his process with these interviews is to take photos for a visual essence of the person he’s interviewing. While changing in the laundry room, I jokingly said to him, “Hey, remember last  year when we did the photo shoot and we joked around about taking yoga photos of me in my wedding dress?…Well, I’ve got the dress hanging right here!” And without hesitation, he chimes back, “Lets do it…put it on!”

As I unzipped the garment bag, took the dress off its hanger, and slipped it on, I realized this was only the second time I’d wore it. The only other time was 6 years ago for my wedding day! Once the dress was on, I remembered why I liked it so much: simple yet elegant. I slid into my flip flops and we set out for the street. As I carried my train and scurried behind Rob, a passing thought I haven’t been able to let go of since is that: this dress symbolized a union between me and another person. But now, it’s symbolizing a union with myself…a commitment far more important than any other I could ever possibly make.

Last year, I wrote a Spiritual SoundBite titled, “My Secret Discovery…Yoga Your Way to a Sexy Relationship” and the lessons I’ve learned through yoga and how it’s the same qualities of a good relationship. With this recent wedding dress experience and looking back at this list, I realize that a commitment to our self and the relationship we have with our self is most likely the key to any happy union with anyone else. Yoga is also a union of our left & right sides, of shiva & shakti, of our feminine and male energy. If we don’t show up for ourselves the way we’re expected to show up for someone else, how can we show up for anyone? Make the most important date this week: a date with yourself. Treat yourself to something that makes you giddy.

[Spiritual SoundBite] Meet Yourself Here

I know that “everything happens for a reason.” Is that just a belief to comfort us when unexpected things happen or do they really happen for a reason? I suppose it doesn’t matter either way because it’s going to happen the way it’s supposed to.

Two days ago, I was inspired to cut out words from a magazine that stood out to me and starting putting it on a canvas I had just painted. I have the words: [put into practice] [Let] [life] [unfold]. The words just looked cool and sounded wise. Who knew that I was predicting a mantra that I’d need to adhere to right away?

It’s during tough times when we feel we have nothing to grasp on to that seem to make it even more difficult. But as I’ve learned in my yoga practice and what Ashtanga teacher, Dena Kingsberg repeatedly reminded–”Do not cause tension in your mind or your body.” It is the constant surrendering I must remind myself of that I must practice when I’m not on my mat. That’s the big lesson: Stay present. In a challenging situation, soften and relax with each breath. Feel and honor all that is going on without judgment; and meet and allow yourself to be exactly where you are.

Cheers to a Healthy. Happy. Sexy. You.

My Tutu and Self-Expression Go Hand-in-Hand

If you’ve been reading my blog or Spiritual SoundBites the last couple of weeks, you may have sensed that I was feeling a little stuck. It started with my personal yoga practice. I wanted to distinguish for myself, the difference between rigidity and discipline. This curiosity to explore which one was driving me to get up and practice every morning was what I wanted to know. Coupled with that, was also a yearning to express myself creatively through other outlets–mentally and physically. So I started trying different classes to move my body differently–to challenge it to move in new ways. So I tried pilates, African dance, aerobics, and all of it made me appreciate my Ashtanga practice even more. If it weren’t for mula bandha, I would’ve never survived those classes!

I also “unstuck” myself by finally getting a set of acrylic paints and canvases and started painting. I don’t know why I got this idea, but I saw myself wearing a petticoat or tutu while painting. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for days. So I finally went to a great store in Silverlake called Ozzie Dots that sells great costumes and vintage wear. They had petticoats and tutus hanging from the ceiling and once I laid eyes on my aqua tutu, I knew it was the one for me.So now, every time I paint, I put on my “painting tutu”. In fact, I’m wearing it right now. I suppose it’s to help inspire me to think outside the box when I’m doing anything creative.

Here’s my tutu while I’m sitting at my desk:

wearing my tutu while writing at my desk

This is what it looks like by itself:

My tutu!

And this is how it looks on Duke:

Duke in my tutu...it makes him look more lke the circus dog

[Spiritual SoundBite] Are You Here to Help or To Feed Your Own Ego?

Writing this SoundBite is making me feel a little uncomfortable. Let me just preface it by saying that all (yoga) teachers have good intentions. That was one thing I learned in my first teacher training. With that said, I’ll also say I’m sure the teacher I practiced with on Sunday also had good intentions. It was a guest teacher filling in for a teacher I occasionally practice with. I went in with an open mind, wanting to learn what I could from him. But I quickly recognized during the course of my practice that he’s not a teacher I resonate with: his adjustments were not only forceful but threw me off balance; when he came to push on me in a forward folding pose and I told him I needed to be cautious because my hamstrings get easily pulled–he got defensive; when I was in a modified version of a pose that he was obviously not familiar with, he told me to try his version and said, “just humor me”–even though it didn’t do anything for me; and when I was in Savasana (the final and most important pose for you to rest in), he tried to have a conversation with me.

I left practice feeling off kilter and angry. In my experience, some teachers may not be open to what you tell them because it may be contrary to what they think you need or what they want for you. This is where the “best of intentions” and a teacher’s ego get blurred. So as a teacher and as a student, please make sure you’re with a teacher who puts you and your needs first, respects you and your body, and is there to help you and not to feed their own ego. The Sanskrit word ‘guru’ means spiritual teacher and the word guru where ‘gu’ means darkness and ‘ru’ means light literally means one who brings you from darkness into light. There are many gurus in our life in one form or another but know that you are your best guru.

Cheers to a Healthy. Happy. Sexy. You.

[Spiritual SoundBite] It’s Easy to Keep Moving…

“It’s easy to keep moving…it’s harder to stay still.” That was something Dena Kingsberg said last week when I practiced with her and my fellow Ashtangis every morning for 6 days. That one simple line resonated so much with me. We find things to distract ourselves from matters of the heart that need to be tended to. But because it’s too painful or stressful to come to face-to-face with, we avoid it and find things to do.

Another interpretation of this line is that I used to want more poses in my Ashtanga practice. It was my way of feeding my hungry ego and feeling not only rewarded by my teacher at the time but also feeling like I’ve accomplished something. Nowadays, I don’t want more. In fact, I’ve let go of a few postures and actually want to do less. Never did I think I’d want to do “less”. My motto was always, “Give me more! I can keep going! I need to go further!” This mentality came from needing to prove myself as being “good enough” after years of growing up and feeling like I had to be the best at everything I attempted to do. But these days, I know I’m “good enough.” I’m fine just the way I am. And so every morning, I meet myself on my mat, and instead of wanting to get anything “accomplished”, I find myself meditating upon my breath and going deeper within myself.

I hope you find time to stay still and enjoy it. To not feel guilty when you do it and to know that you deserve it

Cheers to a Healthy. Happy. Sexy. You.

Ashtanga with Dena Kingsberg

I woke up at 5am this morning…groggy and sleepy. Begrudgingly, I got out of bed and thought to myself, “WHY did I agree to sign up for this week-long practice with Dena Kingsberg?!” I went to her workshop yesterday held at the old historic Hawyworth theatre on Wilshire near McArther Park. I liked the way she taught, she was funny, and there wasn’t any ego. She’s brutally honest and gets right to the point…my kinda woman.

So when Jodi (the organizer and an Ashtanga teacher) came up to me and told me there was still room in the week long practice with Dena at her studio, Shanti Shala, I took it as an opportunity re-presenting itself to me. I toyed with the idea of signing up to practice with Dena but decided to play it ‘safe’ when I realized I’d be on my cycle this week. But, it showed up again and I knew I had to say yes.

So I went this morning and it was fantastic. As we sat in anticipation of beginning our practice with Dena, I looked around the room and thought to myself, “So you’re all the crazy yogis willing to wake up at 5am or earlier to get here this week for practice.” We sat in 2 rows facing each other (about 16 of us) and gave Dena our name, how long we’ve practiced, what asan we’re up to, and any relevant injuries. Her husband Jack looks A LOT like Prem–the salt & pepper hair tied back in a pony tail along with their wise old-man beard. We were then led through some pranayama and the sahana vavatu mantra.

As we began our practice, I rejoiced being in a room full of dedicated practitioners. My self-practice at home is great but being in a room with people you know who are excited about their practice and who have shown up because they LOVE their practice is another thing. And as I move through my practice, their prana and energy also carry me through and vice versa. Our prana and practice unites us all and the room almost becomes as if it’s its own live and moving entity.

I’m so thankful for my practice!!

4 Purification Breaths: Kapalabhati (Skull Shining)

[Spiritual SoundBite] Desires Are Tempting

“Desire is clinging to pleasure”  –Yoga Sutra 2.7

-Gregor Maehle Ashtanga Yoga-Practice & Philosophy

This particular yoga sutra caused quite a stir amongst us yogis in Bali when I brought it up. Or at least it did for me. I was confused about this sutra because I asked my teachers, “What about a desire to want to make this world a better place? Or the desire to make others happy?” And my teacher said it was still a desire. A “good” desire is still a desire! It turned into a conversation about my “goals” in life because most of my desires are goal-oriented. What I got out of this conversation was that my “goals” only cause more desire and because I’m attached to a particular outcome, it causes my Will (ego) to work very hard. And we all know that my ego only gets me in trouble or makes me unhappy. Wanting something as well as NOT wanting something is just two sides of the same coin-they are both desires.

I was dumbfounded when I discovered my fellow yogis as well as my teachers did not have a ready-made list of goals they could whip out and share. Making a list of goals for the day, the week, and the month is like breathing to me! It’s such a part of our culture in the West. I left the study group that afternoon awe-stricken. But as the information sank in and I was more comfortable with the idea of letting go of my “list”, a sense of relief and lightness came over me. I waivered between: “No goals? How do I live? Others will think I’m so lazy if I have no goals to share.” and “I only have the present moment. Stay connected. What I need to know will be revealed to me. Stay open so you can receive.”

I thought I’d shifted away from what I thought was expected of me to living my life according to what I thought was best. But I guess when you’re in the dark, you don’t know you’re there till someone turns on a light and shows you that you were actually in the dark! I’ve realized that being goal-oriented is very masculine energy and it also causes tunnel vision. And with tunnel vision, it’s easy to miss what’s around you. The flowers don’t get smelled, the chirping birds don’t get heard, and other people or opportunities that are awaiting for our attention may also get missed.

So I’m going to slow down. If you remember from last year, my goal (ha!) was to work less and live more. I experimented with doing less and guess what? Everything that needed to be done was done. So this year, I will neither be desireful or desireless. Stay tuned for the results in 7 months!
Cheers to a Healthy. Happy. Sexy. You.

  

“Fuck, this is hard!”

Those were my words to myself this morning as I attempted the handstands my teacher added for me towards the end of my practice. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy doing my new routine of 5 urdvha danurasanas (backbends) followed by 2-3 handstands, and then 5 drop backs. It’s invigorating. After my handstands I’m so pumped up that I want to do The Incredible (she)Hulk pose.

yup...that's how I feel

Maybe I WILL do this after my handstands. Why not? But man, this is not to toot my own horn or to gain sympathy…it really is truly fucking hard! Us Ashtangis work hard every morning. There’s no easy way to go about it (I’ve tried) but I do love it. Stick with it long enough and you’ll see how it changes your life (and your body).

Ego Check! Contentment Is Quite Stylish.

I had a student ask me in class if Ashtanga was what I mainly practiced. She said that she has some friends that practice Ashtanga and seemed to have a really difficult, intense, and disciplined practice. It was alluding to how it has turned her off of what she thinks is an Ashtanga practice. Although, I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s certainly not easy. But I did get to share with her that Ashtanga can either perpetuate and thereby aggravate our natural tendencies that may not be so good for us or it can show us where we need to change so that we can live in balance. The Ashtanga practice can easily be very masculine, aggressive, goal oriented, and egoistic. But depending on your teacher/your guru (which is key!), he/she can show you and guide you in the way the system was meant to be practiced and individualized. A “guru” is someone who leads you out of darkness and into the light. Isn’t that what this is all about anyway?

So I go on sharing with this student that I’ve found the joy in Ashtanga and I’ve softened into my practice. I shared with her how it allows me to go deep within myself and just when I thought I’ve gone deep within, I find I can go deeper. Like my teachers says, we are each made of space…we’re all like universes within ourselves. The deeper you go, you just find that you can go deeper and it’s infinite. That’s what’s so cool about this practice! I cannot get bored. I keep finding, discovering, and uncovering things about myself. It’s becomes more subtle yet new.

To go back to Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga being easily turned into a masculine and goal-oriented practice…these are things our culture rewards! We can never be content with what we have now. Now doesn’t seem to exist. We’re chasing after the future and when we get there, we’re not happy. So we always need ‘more’. I’ve seen this happen in others’ Ashtanga practice where teachers treat poses (asanas) as a reward. It turns into a weird “I-must-please-my-teacher” type of relationship between student and teacher, but it also reinforces the “more is better” concept in our culture. More does not mean better! The more the student gets, the bigger the ego gets for the student and for the teacher…as the teacher now thinks he has “power” over the student. It’s a vicious and unhealthy relationship that’s get played out in families, in jobs, and yes…also in the yoga world, unfortunately.

The idea of “more is not better” really sunk in for me within the last year. I was practicing up to Ustrasana in 2nd series but backed off to focus on Primary Series. I thought to myself, “What’s the hurry? This is a LIFE LONG practice. I’ve got my whole life to practice and learn 2nd series. I need to get my foundation strong with Primary Series before moving on.” And this was my own Inner Guru speaking…my teachers were fine with me practicing 2nd series. In the past, I would have interpreted this as a setback…even as a defeat! But that would be my Ego speaking.

So I now have a morning daily practice of Primary Series and am completely content. It feels SO good.